DANCING WITH GHOSTS

Does your past ever come back to haunt you? You ever have bouts of regret, remorse, guilt, apprehension of the past, etc? Does life at times seem like a course in aspects of deja vu or that you have feelings that it's recurring again like it's all the same but different? Do people remind you of the past or regurgitate stories of a not so nice nature that makes you feel somewhat low in spirits? Well fret not because it happens to many people every day at some juncture in their lives. Of course we can deliberately and almost consciously make decisions that repeat the past such as the "battered wife syndrome" and other areas where reality, stability and habit all roll themselves into one to try and fulfil an inner desire. It works but the result is always failure. One thing that people don't seem to bring to their guise of where they reside is the here and now and that the past is just that. No manner of conversation or saying sorry or crying or "making good" or appeasement or atonement or resolution or whatever is dreamt up today can alter, change or undo the past. What has happened has happened.

Guilt and memories of the past are manifested within the mind, nowhere else can they live, no one else can harbour your thoughts or feelings and no one else can ever change the thought process except yourself. Guilt is none productive and serves nothing more than a selfish whim of your own or worse still of others who wish to keep the past thoughts alive for their evilness of mind, it can't be said otherwise. Past loves, bereavement, financial greatness now no more, whatever it was has left its trail on life and is now confined to the echelons of history. We live in the present and our destiny lies in tomorrow which has nothing to do with the past even if decisions made yesterday affect what we do tomorrow, we can never live yesterdays decisions good or bad again. Trying to bring "closure" to the past is silly, because closure has already been effected, it's gone, so the only thing that people seek is something of a personal nature to try and bring form to it because they often can't bring together an understanding that "that's it" but it is, it's that simple. All this "we can rest now", "we can put it behind us", "we can do whatever" is unfortunately a selfish mind set often thrown up by the press or legally driven to try and add kudos but again the reality is you can't add kudos to the ghosts of time.

The problem with many people is that they are trying to find something tangible in life to give themselves meaning, importance, substance and an ability to proceed forwards with impunity and solidity, many fail. Grasping at intangible morsels of life as if that will help but sadly when they have tasted what they desire they find it is still not filling those voids within. When their desire to be emotionally quenched does not hit the mark they then set out on any other quest to see if that will effect a solution, sadly that doesn't help either. To feel really wholesome one must understand what life is all about and the past isn't something you can dance with in the present, memories are just that no matter how dear they are. If you for once delve into areas outside of substance then your whole ability will flounder and not only will life fragment it will be a job in itself to try and feel and see happiness other than for fleeting moments. Life is here, now, that is where you have to live, anywhere else and you are fooling yourself.

Ghosts don't have substance as we know it, they are the remnants of life past. If we choose to associate with anything that isn't here or to come then we are in for a rude awakening. Good mental health is our strongest essential asset if that goes we go with it. Love is the present foundation of humanity it's where everyone lives and moves and it's where we can interact. Our happiness is present time, our love is present time our life is present time and our future is partly present time. Making things up in our mind isn't smart, we need to see potential and not contrive responsibility of atonement because if it is atoned we are still left bereft of substance. For the deceased it's all too late and it means absolutely nothing. Doing things on behalf of the deceased and still say "I did it on their behalf" is a lie and not true and it smacks of selfishness all the way through. If you can't see life for what it is never expect to be happy.

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©John Rushton / The Life Alchemist 2012
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GRIEF

Grief can be so debilitating that it takes a hold of life and steers you into a corner and holds you there to the extent that at times one feels that nothing will ever be the same ever again, and the truth is it won't. It's not that life won't be fun and exciting anymore nor the will to proceed won't return and life will be as it is from there onwards worthy of living and worthy of participating and communing with those around you. It's ironic however that when grief strikes and it can and does happen to almost all of us at some time in our lives those that we feel can or could offer support like family and our religion offer nothing but coldness and a wall of stone, especially where bereavement is concerned. It can be like vampires coming out of the woodwork all seeing what they can get and finding every legal excuse to get more. Where at one stage of life "love" was a supposedly unspoken entity it's now a cold war and each to his own, where the smiles reveal the fangs and frosty sliver. And whilst to some this may seem gruesome it is unfortunately for many a very real reality. That at times many fear for their own sanity and purpose and most of all "love" for themselves, that someone "out there" knows and understands and will share their real tears and not some emotional outburst like that of little children "on and off" at the flick of a selfish thought. The relations that never liked you or you were the wrong religion, but now your partner has died it all comes to roost their evilness starts to ooze out.  

How we deal with real grief is down to us, and we are all different those that cry the most are often the insipid selfish ones that want everyone to join them in what they are going through whilst those that tend to stave off such are harbouring the love of the deceased that helps even through the trauma of the aftermath. Of course and "here we go again" religions mount on the grief trip after all it gives them something to do, wearing dull dark clothes, moping around with long faces, it's as if the deceased didn't actually love you after all and you've just found out. If whoever it is that has died loved you then THE LAST thing they would wish is that you be unhappy, otherwise what's the point of it all. And sympathy is the shallow side of offering real help to the extent many offer sympathy but no help and actually get a "high" of trying to buck the other person up whereas they are acting as vampires themselves draining their captive of energy for themselves. Sympathy has an effect of boosting others up, then when you leave them they have an almighty low afterwards. Not very nice.

Age has a related value on our perceptions in life, everything revolves around what we have done, are doing and will be doing, although the variances and boundaries can be very muted and glide into each other. What age doesn't have is a monopoly on pain, especially the mental type of pain, that is possibly the most debilitating as it literally messes up your whole control system. It's so easy to become introverted when grief strikes that it can form a situation where you rarely come out of it, this happens in the Middle East as they go to town on morbidity it's a way of life as is complaining and moaning yet doing nothing to rectify it, however they don't have any exclusivity or monopoly on it. One thing that grief often brings home is the reality of who you are in life and what others mean to you, your 'family' may be those you have chosen to be around you as opposed to the biological ones who are judgemental and shallow. It brings home too where you stand in life and what all around you means with regards happiness, freedom, duties, life itself and what and how you choose to think about things in general. Grief is but a stepping stone and depending upon your belief you either move on - not forgetting the past as you can't - or dwell forever where you are and carry it as a burden. Never forget if love is involved then there is a real freedom, but a genuine freedom not a selfish freedom that you keep to yourself as if it's something exclusive because it's not.  

In times of trouble don't scorn those that you think could offer some support as for them it could also be difficult to muster up the ability to offer it, and beware of those who seemingly offer everything because they can, it's at times those that do little that think deeply and the effusive ones that are shallow. One must always feel the depth of love and the need from others which is over and above sheer words and never allow the feeling of self sorrow to overtake who you are despite the pain that one may be reliving for a while. An understanding of those that now scorn, pour oil on troubled waters, who reject, who reprimand and turn face, who show their true colours be at one with yourself, because the love that YOU had with that significant other was priceless and above their deceitful facade. Life is for living, for loving and that is the only golden rule for grief, and the only golden rule for your own self is that of love at any cost, it's never left, and what was there is still there even if slightly but temporarily tarnished, it's still there in all its glory. Don't ever turn your back on it no matter what.

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©John Rushton / The Life Doctor 2012
  (These blogs are read in over 120 countries, if you like what you read please re-send them to others

HAVING AN AFFAIR

The last time I wrote something on the topic "Affairs" I had the highest number of blog hits ever and still it's getting read and still I get correspondence from it. The many years I've been travelling around the world in my professional capacity I have been got at / approached / boldly faced / cornered / set up / asked out to dinner /enticed to pool parties / weekend homes / enticed into situations or just a corner where people have to tell me about the affair they have had or the "fling" that they have had. It weights so heavily that they go to great lengths to want to tell all and at times it's all on for them to stop them telling me the whole gory details, and yes some actually have DVD's of the whole thing too. It was almost a "Father Confessor" role by default which one shudders at. And with modern technology imagination is left uncompromised it's there in all its glory, although it's something I don't need to see to be conversant with what's just happened or indeed still going on. The trails on mobile devises are the foods Divorce Lawyers or newspapers feed upon.  Many people are quite reticent about discussing their story and details but feel that for their sake they just must tell someone otherwise it's too much to bear to live with for the rest of their lives. The bottom line is that over 90% of people who have had an affair have deeply regretted it, and still years after have within them guilt that they either can't shift or just frightened that they will blurt out something pertaining to it and ruin what they have got. I still have thoughts to this day from certain prominent people that "I wish they hadn't told me that", but they did such is their desire to 'cleanse' themselves of the endless thoughts about it all.

There are cultures and ethnic groups that are known for having affairs but then it tells on their culture that it never actually gets very far because of it. Society has "moral values" and regardless of what ones personal opinions are on that subject, it generally makes a great deal of difference when it comes to family life, trust, respect, education, perception by other people and the future generations that have little self esteem as there was none or little in the home life. When that breaks down crime rises in all areas. The biggest trust bond that people ever make as a rule is that when they have a committed relationship, not the one where you just shack up together because you like each other, the sex is great and it's convenient - for a while. It's the committed relationship whereby you love your partner so much you want to spend the rest of your life with him / her regardless of your job or current circumstances. Anything less always leads to less hence many people in the media are born failures where relationships are concerned.

Most affairs start because they can, we are always going to meet someone somewhere at some point in some situation in our lives that's going to raise a sparkle and renew who we were or bring out what was either dormant or possibly thought lost. The heart starts to beat like no tomorrow and the adrenalin and everything else just elevates the whole sensual system in the body including the mind that ones outlook is taken beyond the present to something more palatable even if it's all transient and ends up quite the opposite. Affairs are not just the confines of sluts, lonely people of a certain age or loose morals, they can happen to anyone anytime, even the most sedate person has feelings and at times our whole mind structure is in need of 'something' to enhance from what is to what should be as the self seems almost oblivious of how to affect such a change. Affairs are deceitful there's no getting away from it, it's often not pre-meditated nor is it engineered other than locating a base for the liaison and at times it's not even the sexual conclusion that's the bit that causes the excitement it's actually meeting someone in an almost clandestine way and being able to communicate and importantly laugh which is just so therapeutic. Most affairs start when laughter is no longer an aspect of life, it doesn't mean that love has flown out of the window but real laughter and a sharing of each other has become robotic and that's when those inner stirrings start to rise often subliminally. However you may be the actual cause yourself of your own affair and as to why this situation has arisen so don't jump to conclusions and immediately blame your partner.

We all know the consequences of what an affair can do even if we have never entertained that aspect of life ourselves. Some get over it, some never get over it and some just go on endlessly like headless chickens wandering aimlessly thinking about that 'other' person out there who is better than the current one. Completely selfishly orientated and never able to give of them selves, always holding back for something better which never materialises. But in our world of "all about me" there is no such thing as "they / he / she made me do it", you did it via your own thought process, and there is no back up to justify it whatsoever (if you don't like the relationship get out of it). There are no counsellors, coaches, shrinks or whatever that will properly justify your action to make you feel better. Whatever you have done you have done on your own, the first touch, the first kiss the first moment of sex it was you who did it no one else did it on your behalf. Unless you make a habit of gross infidelity - and some do - then if you don't face up to it you will forever reap the rearing of unsavoury after effects by always being on your guard and it will show when you are nervous or with other people. Your life is in your hands, your partner failures are your judgement not theirs, if you have endless failures YOU are the common denominator in every one no one else. Always looking for something better will guarantee that you'll always be on the edge in life and as soon as the shine starts to dull, that will be your Achilles heal.
(Part 2 to follow - soon)....

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©John Rushton / The Life Doctor 2012
(These blogs are read in over 120 countries, if you like what you read please re-send them to others)

LIFE SECURITY

What is the most important thing thing that you need in life outside your health and welfare (and family if you have one)? It's the security and peace of mind that exists around you that promotes 'wellbeing' and a knowledge that whatever you do is going to be as you intended in that someone else hasn't interfered with it or is going to cause harm to yourself or property. However, the problem is getting worse in that there's little done to stop the root cause as  there's only an industry built up on the action of it all happening and what goes on from there. The enclaves in our large cities are well known for crime and the low life dwelling of people who have a poor education, mentality and almost zero outlook on life. The ability of the state to try and re-energise such parts of society is very poor although overburdened with services to help cope with it. Such is our political correctness that it's almost a case where the victim is being blamed for being there for the assailant to have committed the crime. Our whole ethos needs to be radically changed and so does the social structure that almost upholds what is the negativity of the root cause of social decay in society. It's one thing to tax the rich as a statement of income but it's not them who are the parasites on society taking benefits or grants or state handouts, it's quite the opposite. It's those women who have 5, 6, 7 children from equally as many fathers whose children do the same and thus bring more children into the world with almost no hope or chance of success. There are the down and out families that have little or no sense of living that just survive and where education is not of any importance whatsoever, the ghettos of ethnic people - whoever they happen to be, who wallow together in a cesspit of themselves and therefore there is no stimulus nor incentive for any positive growth. Furthermore when you live at the bottom of the pit it's actually quite frightening to move out of as it needs a massive mental change otherwise you take the cesspit mentality with you, hence so many social housing schemes end up as newly built slums.

Our own personal security is yet another aspect of ourselves and one that is vitally important as it has an effect upon the whole of our lives. What are we doing now, what will we be doing and how will we sustain ourselves throughout.  There doesn't have to be a definitive answer to these questions as life is fluid and therefore subject to change even radical change but we can throughout be very positive in that we will be alright and that there is a future and that we will be OK and furthermore happy to boot. That attitude prevails, if we absorb the media detritus of muggins, murders and the like it separates those diffident souls that never do anything and those that forge on regardless and have a far better quality life. There is an "Us and Them" in life, there always has been and there always will be, no matter what the "us and them" happens to be. We don't like everyone in life and not everyone likes us either, so there is by default already a distinction in whom we are and our boundaries. We even in a group of people segregate ourselves or migrate to those that we either feel more comfortable with or have an affinity with or who have more in common with, it's natural.

In communities the good ones are predominantly nice and the bad ones pathetic. The unfortunate aspect of today and many people in the "social strata's" that are involved with socio-economic groups is to try to either bulldozer everything and flatten it down, which never ever works or try to "mix n' match" by putting problem families ' groups in with establish families groups and that rarely works usually invoking resentment, hostility and degradation. It's very important that people don't feel their security is threatened by faceless people somewhere else trying out their own social constructs with people who have worked hard to get where they are and be infiltrated by those who don't care. The degree of social irresponsibility and ineptitude is growing especially as immigration increases and backward cultures tend to reduce an areas social standing by default. The topic of celebrating diversity by the politically correct retards only enhances a lack of unity and even further fragmentation. The overall effect is that ghettos are often created or enclaves and it is an area of newly created environmental problems, religious problems that never previously existed and an overall lowering of standards and of course rising crime, which finds its new home.

Of course security is one thing as is overkill where security actually starts to create its own enveloped intrusion into life and then it's a retrograde step that hinders via paranoia rather than careful and technical design. Where the enjoyment of life is now a brutal step in ones own freedom where originally security was to allow freedom to happen. Where security is almost an entry into Communism where "big brother" is watching you 24/7 and can access every email, text, account, location where you are and what you did or said. And it doesn't end there as once a glitch occurs people are by default denied access to even their own property or accounts having to prove who they are because of a human or electronic mistake in the system and where fraud and electronic organised crime takes on a whole new elevated ball game that's being planned behind all our backs. Before one thinks about security, one must think hard at who is operating that security and do I trust them, including your own government?

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©John Rushton / The Life Doctor 2012
(These blogs are read in over 120 countries, if you like what you read please re-send them to others).

FAILED RELATIONSHIPS

The incidence of mental unrest in relationships is at an all time high, it matters not what religion you subscribe to, what doctrine you wish to understand nor where you live, although that has other effects upon your thought patterns. In life there is one common denominator and that is yourself, so if you have failed at many things time and time again including relationships then you are the point of commonality in the whole thing. Don't blame circumstances, situations, conditions, or 'it just didn't work out', etc, you are the common denominator in the whole shebang. There's none of this "well you're lucky" or "I just don't seem to meet the right people" it doesn't exist. What you did, find, enacted upon, joined into, might have been wrong, flawed, incorrect, etc, but you went into it, and seemingly have done so time and time again. How, why, is another matter but taking the leap into doing what you did for it to fail yet again outlines to everyone else that somewhere down the line there isn't that intelligent connection that's seeing possibilities which come to light as if almost in a recurring manner. Not dissimilar to the "battered wife" syndrome.

Of course failure isn't as bad a situation in some areas as we seem to make out, scientists often fail for years trying to do something and it not working out until one day that 'eureka' moment hits them. Many people are alive today because of the constancy of pushing forward over and above failure in researching pharmaceuticals. Similarly with engineering and science life is often trial and error and even in accidents we learn what not to do or how better to modify the service or product for future betterment. Failure can make us stronger and wiser and give us a degree of personal wisdom over and above that which we could learn from just every day life.

Our relationships span a multitude of levels in life from one with ourselves, do we love ourself? To those with significant others, friends, family, work colleagues, to those who we meet in the shopping mall, services and other intermediaries. Some people walk around with an almost permanent smile and face life as it is whether or not they receive any reciprocation from others is immaterial. Others walk around with a glum dull face and if anyone smiles at them they get unnerved and even upset wondering what the catch is, such is their low debased and insular nature. How we view life is how we live it, the better we are at looking good the more help and encouragement we get from others and the more respect we tend to get too. No one likes to help grumpy gruff sloven people, it goes well against the grain both psychologically and morally, it doesn't feel good, and we need a degree of reciprocation in order for us to make additional moves in what we can or will do.

Loneliness for the main part is down to failed relationships with life and the amount of selfishness that's in that thought behind it all. There are those who are forced because of physical and mental conditions to live in an isolated situation, but the vast majority aren't. Selfishness, meanness, laziness, bad attitude are all contributors to loneliness. Failed life relationships are self created, and it matters not whether one is naturally gregarious or reticent, in between all of this is humanity, and if we don't embrace it or we have stilted views or prefer to be biased towards our family or race or creed or whatever then we will sadly and statistically be veering to a life as time goes by to be on our own. People who are on their own tend to have more problems mentally and physically than those with good and constant friends. Whatever you think, whatever excuses you put up, the ball is in your court, no one wants to hear the excuses anymore, if you can't give of yourself you are certainly not going to receive back what humanity has to offer.

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©John Rushton / The Life Alchemist 2012