HAVING AN AFFAIR

The last time I wrote something on the topic "Affairs" I had the highest number of blog hits ever and still it's getting read and still I get correspondence from it. The many years I've been travelling around the world in my professional capacity I have been got at / approached / boldly faced / cornered / set up / asked out to dinner /enticed to pool parties / weekend homes / enticed into situations or just a corner where people have to tell me about the affair they have had or the "fling" that they have had. It weights so heavily that they go to great lengths to want to tell all and at times it's all on for them to stop them telling me the whole gory details, and yes some actually have DVD's of the whole thing too. It was almost a "Father Confessor" role by default which one shudders at. And with modern technology imagination is left uncompromised it's there in all its glory, although it's something I don't need to see to be conversant with what's just happened or indeed still going on. The trails on mobile devises are the foods Divorce Lawyers or newspapers feed upon.  Many people are quite reticent about discussing their story and details but feel that for their sake they just must tell someone otherwise it's too much to bear to live with for the rest of their lives. The bottom line is that over 90% of people who have had an affair have deeply regretted it, and still years after have within them guilt that they either can't shift or just frightened that they will blurt out something pertaining to it and ruin what they have got. I still have thoughts to this day from certain prominent people that "I wish they hadn't told me that", but they did such is their desire to 'cleanse' themselves of the endless thoughts about it all.

There are cultures and ethnic groups that are known for having affairs but then it tells on their culture that it never actually gets very far because of it. Society has "moral values" and regardless of what ones personal opinions are on that subject, it generally makes a great deal of difference when it comes to family life, trust, respect, education, perception by other people and the future generations that have little self esteem as there was none or little in the home life. When that breaks down crime rises in all areas. The biggest trust bond that people ever make as a rule is that when they have a committed relationship, not the one where you just shack up together because you like each other, the sex is great and it's convenient - for a while. It's the committed relationship whereby you love your partner so much you want to spend the rest of your life with him / her regardless of your job or current circumstances. Anything less always leads to less hence many people in the media are born failures where relationships are concerned.

Most affairs start because they can, we are always going to meet someone somewhere at some point in some situation in our lives that's going to raise a sparkle and renew who we were or bring out what was either dormant or possibly thought lost. The heart starts to beat like no tomorrow and the adrenalin and everything else just elevates the whole sensual system in the body including the mind that ones outlook is taken beyond the present to something more palatable even if it's all transient and ends up quite the opposite. Affairs are not just the confines of sluts, lonely people of a certain age or loose morals, they can happen to anyone anytime, even the most sedate person has feelings and at times our whole mind structure is in need of 'something' to enhance from what is to what should be as the self seems almost oblivious of how to affect such a change. Affairs are deceitful there's no getting away from it, it's often not pre-meditated nor is it engineered other than locating a base for the liaison and at times it's not even the sexual conclusion that's the bit that causes the excitement it's actually meeting someone in an almost clandestine way and being able to communicate and importantly laugh which is just so therapeutic. Most affairs start when laughter is no longer an aspect of life, it doesn't mean that love has flown out of the window but real laughter and a sharing of each other has become robotic and that's when those inner stirrings start to rise often subliminally. However you may be the actual cause yourself of your own affair and as to why this situation has arisen so don't jump to conclusions and immediately blame your partner.

We all know the consequences of what an affair can do even if we have never entertained that aspect of life ourselves. Some get over it, some never get over it and some just go on endlessly like headless chickens wandering aimlessly thinking about that 'other' person out there who is better than the current one. Completely selfishly orientated and never able to give of them selves, always holding back for something better which never materialises. But in our world of "all about me" there is no such thing as "they / he / she made me do it", you did it via your own thought process, and there is no back up to justify it whatsoever (if you don't like the relationship get out of it). There are no counsellors, coaches, shrinks or whatever that will properly justify your action to make you feel better. Whatever you have done you have done on your own, the first touch, the first kiss the first moment of sex it was you who did it no one else did it on your behalf. Unless you make a habit of gross infidelity - and some do - then if you don't face up to it you will forever reap the rearing of unsavoury after effects by always being on your guard and it will show when you are nervous or with other people. Your life is in your hands, your partner failures are your judgement not theirs, if you have endless failures YOU are the common denominator in every one no one else. Always looking for something better will guarantee that you'll always be on the edge in life and as soon as the shine starts to dull, that will be your Achilles heal.
(Part 2 to follow - soon)....

For more : www.thelifedoctor.info
FREE "E" Book : www.the-alchemy-of-life.com
RADIO : www.liferadiointernational.com
©John Rushton / The Life Doctor 2012
(These blogs are read in over 120 countries, if you like what you read please re-send them to others)

SOLUTIONS TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS

We often look at life and try and foresee what may happen in the future, sometimes even not wanting to think of what may happen as it's too unpleasant. But "stuff" does happen and we have to make decisions sometimes very unpleasant ones in order to effect a solution even if it's by default, we still have to do it. If one listens to what people say, which many don't today, they prefer to speak rather than listen and give their point of view one can almost instantly get their opinion, their views, how they think, what they are planning to do, their temperament, their traits, their sensitivities, their stubborn points, their narrow views on certain subjects, their failure aspects, their desires, what excites them, their flippant tendencies, and their fears, plus a whole load of nuances that may arise. It's given away in what and how we say anything.We can at times be our own worst enemies, something we don't wont anyone to tell us anything, we can also at times mix fact and fantasy together and try and make some degree of sense out of it all only to get into a worse situation than before. Decisions at times have to be taken, we also have "ideals" as to what we want, how we want it / them, how it looks like, how it fits in with our desired pattern in life, and so on, so when a decision is made it's contrived to hopefully meld in to what we have to do. When that doesn't happen which is quite often and a compromise is not to be made then we have what we call a problem. But it isn't a problem, it's just us not liking what the solution is to be. If we are honest with ourselves we know that as a truth from day one, but often we go a long way down the road to see if at some point we can effect a change that brings it all into line with our thoughts and feelings, it rarely happens. In relationships this is a prime area of conflict rather than compromise and can be sorted easily but rarely is. Silly but there we are.

We see other people making drastic changes to their lives and apart from a few glum looks they seem to be handling it well as if it's all so easy and that they have come to grips or terms with what has had to be done. We then place ourselves into their position hypothetically and see how we would feel and it just doesn't work, we have too many obstacles and personal likes and dislikes in the way and it would mean altering our cosy relationship with the current status quo, which will definitely not do. And so it goes on, we keep looking at life from afar, assessing what we think and feel in relation to others and it rarely works out. Of course we are all different some people are gregarious and accept what's what and get on with it keeping a positive mind as to the future. Others completely the opposite and any opposition to what they think or feel is riddled with the "woe is me" attitude that prevails and almost at times makes them ill or full of ongoing consternation.

There is a solution to every problem although not always as we would like but never the less a solution exists, politicians have to make "overall" choices in what they do "for the best" as there usually isn't a "one size fits all" yet real statesmanship is sadly a thing of the past where PR and personal positioning overrules what is expedient and many such people are weak as are many company leaders today except where personal greed is an option and they'll then fight to the death. Life has to have a purpose, it has to be universal and if you have a partner it has to encompass both elements, although there usually is one element that is more ethereal and selfishly motivated (I like, I want, I don't like, I don't want but none of it having real substance) so some degree of pressurised compromise has to be made, but it usually is made and ultimately it turns out right.

Placing the word problem in your vocabulary or potential problem often creates what one is seeking to avoid, a solution as to seeing around or ways forward existing over and above the dullness of negativity which dwells on lowness and thus misses out of the availability of options. Often solutions will not please everyone who is a part of the solution, but that's alright as we have no contract with life to make others happy nor sort out their problems even if we are a part cause of them albeit by default. It's a degree of maturity that others the recipients of our effected decisions take control and steer their own life back into how they need it to be after all they steer their own ship not you. Provided your decisions are made with clear thought i.e. not malicious then one need not worry about the effects on others even if they selfishly moan and groan, which which many do today. You are number one, without being selfish or self centred, make a decision that suits you, do not compromise yourself in life as it will only compound problems further down the line, respect yourself and don't play the martyr, which is not to say that if minor compromises need to be made via your good will then so be it. But be logical not emotional or you will by your own hand default yourself into a position that you will most likely come to regret and in the long term not have any thanks from those you thought of well at the beginning in making your judgement.

For more www.thelifedoctor.info
Free "E" Book : www.the-alchemy-of-life.com

©John Rushton / The Life Alchemist 2012