Friday 18 May 2012


Grief can be so debilitating that it takes a hold of life and steers you into a corner and holds you there to the extent that at times one feels that nothing will ever be the same ever again, and the truth is it won't. It's not that life won't be fun and exciting anymore nor the will to proceed won't return and life will be as it is from there onwards worthy of living and worthy of participating and communing with those around you. It's ironic however that when grief strikes and it can and does happen to almost all of us at some time in our lives those that we feel can or could offer support like family and our religion offer nothing but coldness and a wall of stone, especially where bereavement is concerned. It can be like vampires coming out of the woodwork all seeing what they can get and finding every legal excuse to get more. Where at one stage of life "love" was a supposedly unspoken entity it's now a cold war and each to his own, where the smiles reveal the fangs and frosty sliver. And whilst to some this may seem gruesome it is unfortunately for many a very real reality. That at times many fear for their own sanity and purpose and most of all "love" for themselves, that someone "out there" knows and understands and will share their real tears and not some emotional outburst like that of little children "on and off" at the flick of a selfish thought. The relations that never liked you or you were the wrong religion, but now your partner has died it all comes to roost their evilness starts to ooze out.  

How we deal with real grief is down to us, and we are all different those that cry the most are often the insipid selfish ones that want everyone to join them in what they are going through whilst those that tend to stave off such are harbouring the love of the deceased that helps even through the trauma of the aftermath. Of course and "here we go again" religions mount on the grief trip after all it gives them something to do, wearing dull dark clothes, moping around with long faces, it's as if the deceased didn't actually love you after all and you've just found out. If whoever it is that has died loved you then THE LAST thing they would wish is that you be unhappy, otherwise what's the point of it all. And sympathy is the shallow side of offering real help to the extent many offer sympathy but no help and actually get a "high" of trying to buck the other person up whereas they are acting as vampires themselves draining their captive of energy for themselves. Sympathy has an effect of boosting others up, then when you leave them they have an almighty low afterwards. Not very nice.

Age has a related value on our perceptions in life, everything revolves around what we have done, are doing and will be doing, although the variances and boundaries can be very muted and glide into each other. What age doesn't have is a monopoly on pain, especially the mental type of pain, that is possibly the most debilitating as it literally messes up your whole control system. It's so easy to become introverted when grief strikes that it can form a situation where you rarely come out of it, this happens in the Middle East as they go to town on morbidity it's a way of life as is complaining and moaning yet doing nothing to rectify it, however they don't have any exclusivity or monopoly on it. One thing that grief often brings home is the reality of who you are in life and what others mean to you, your 'family' may be those you have chosen to be around you as opposed to the biological ones who are judgemental and shallow. It brings home too where you stand in life and what all around you means with regards happiness, freedom, duties, life itself and what and how you choose to think about things in general. Grief is but a stepping stone and depending upon your belief you either move on - not forgetting the past as you can't - or dwell forever where you are and carry it as a burden. Never forget if love is involved then there is a real freedom, but a genuine freedom not a selfish freedom that you keep to yourself as if it's something exclusive because it's not.  

In times of trouble don't scorn those that you think could offer some support as for them it could also be difficult to muster up the ability to offer it, and beware of those who seemingly offer everything because they can, it's at times those that do little that think deeply and the effusive ones that are shallow. One must always feel the depth of love and the need from others which is over and above sheer words and never allow the feeling of self sorrow to overtake who you are despite the pain that one may be reliving for a while. An understanding of those that now scorn, pour oil on troubled waters, who reject, who reprimand and turn face, who show their true colours be at one with yourself, because the love that YOU had with that significant other was priceless and above their deceitful facade. Life is for living, for loving and that is the only golden rule for grief, and the only golden rule for your own self is that of love at any cost, it's never left, and what was there is still there even if slightly but temporarily tarnished, it's still there in all its glory. Don't ever turn your back on it no matter what.

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©John Rushton / The Life Doctor 2012
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