Wednesday, 16 November 2011


It’s not the nicest of things to happen, it blows our mind like a mini atom bomb going off inside of us, triggering all of our feelings and emotions all at one go, our minds almost disconnect from reality and we live in a place of self concocted hurt and indecision and unfathomable thoughts. Reality is not an issue as it hardly exists other than the fact that we are still alive, but only just, and interest in life whatever that is has ceased and anyway we just don’t want to know anymore as it’s immaterial and not worth it anyway. What’s more no one understands even though others have gone through it too, it’s not the same as your heartache, your pain is different. Well anyway, that’s an idea of what heartache is all about especially if you haven’t been through it, and it’s not a recommendation to put on your list of “things to do and experience”. Heartache is felt differently by “blokes” as it is by girls, men see things more technically and women see things more emotionally and although each and every feeling is just as real to men and women the thought process can vary somewhat and at times neither side can see where either party is coming from or going to and the end result is that they don’t care either because if you can’t understand then that’s the whole problem in a nutshell. So there.

It’s usually worse for the person who is let down rather than the person who lets the other down, as the latter has usually a premeditated thought which tends to buffer them from the impact and actually they have had some time to think of other things even if it’s just having time on their own to ‘chill out’ and sort themselves out, unless someone else is on the scene. It’s a complex thing and for some it’s a point where they really think that life will never be the same again, it won’t it never is, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be 100 times better either, so there’s always a flip side to the way we think and the way we stilt our conversations towards a goal that seems always out of reach. It’s not rocket science either that relationships break down at any age. And for those who are single and 30+, mind thought is the biggest culprit to having a relationship or staying single because 'staidness' has usually crept in, and at the same time 'compromise' is nearly always an issue. (It's not an issue really where deep love is concerned - it's usually a love -ish/convenience balance). Often it's the woman feeling she has to compromise more than the man, unless it’s a gay relationship, but it’s usually one partner that acquiesces, and not necessarily for the worse either, that’s something to think of and not the egotistical side of “why should I” which is a ‘kiss of death’ attitude but so often prevails. Relationships are what they are and provided the equation equals 100% (70/30 - 80/20 - 60/40) etc, then it works, and it's no one elses business why it is what it is, love has all the answers not onlookers.

It’s rare not to get over a broken heart, even if it takes time. And all this “I’m sceptical about any new relationship I’ve been let down before" or worse, "I'm not getting into that situation again” etc, is rubbish, it’s self centred and selfish and maybe with that attitude it’s you that was part of the break up cause in the first instance, even if you didn't instigate it (nothing even happens in isolation). And remember if you have had a number of broken hearts, failed relationships etc, the common denominator in them all is you, not your partner, so what does it all say about you? There’s nothing wrong in playing the field except that “playing” is the operative word, so expect what you get when play stops, nothing, and thus nothing is what will happen time and time again. You must be honest to both yourself and others that way any let down will be be lightened as it will have a purpose and not just “it was fun whilst it lasted” which is why many “have a go” relationships are just that, shallow and hollow from the outset with a destination of failure written in it from the word "go". One of the main causes of breakdown is not infidelity it's "hidden agendas" coupled with selfishness, and with the "why should I" and all this "I need my space" and whatever else YOU need is all fodder for the day of reckoning that's about to happen. And if you keep harping on about the past either in jest or deliberately or refer to ongoing comments about past failure "and now you are alright" - just who are you kidding. Life is always ahead and doesn't consist of dragging the past as a validation for now, or as a self jolt to make yourself feel better. If you do any of these things then if there is ever a next relationship it will be countdown from day one to failure as it will be ingrained subliminally within what you do and say.

A relationship changes the command from 'I' to 'us' and 'me' to 'we', so if conversations predominantly keep to the singular then all the relationship is in effect is two single people shacking up together as the commonality of a plural doesn't exist. The harmony of the other person being a constituent part of your life in everything is paramount to longevity and an ongoing bond of unity. All of this doesn't effect either party enjoying stuff on their own "girls night out" or "blokes going to football" or whatever it is. A relationship should be just that, if you think age, convenience, company, etc is better then being on your own, stay single and get plenty of friends. Even with admirable credentials relationships fail, but far less so than those that are fuelled by initial infatuation and then fizzle out through boredom and lack of common presence. The common ground however for any relationship is mutual 'love' and if that's in question then so is everything else.

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©John Rushton / The Life Alchemist 2011

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